Week 2

School is back in session and although my class is small we keep busy. I have only 7 students this year, down from 11 last year. But, I lost one assistant so that does make a difference.
The hardest part of this school year seems to be the same as always. I found out yesterday that the teacher I will be working with is now pregnant. She is only a few weeks pregnant. Why she told me is beyond my comprehension, but it was tough for me to hear it.
You would think that having Jenna and being so busy being her mom would make it all okay. But, it hasn't. Don't get me wrong, I love Jenna and I love being her mom! She is so special to me and I can't imagine my life without her. But hearing once again that someone is pregnant, well it puts me in a really difficult state of mind. I still feel like such a failure that I never could have a baby. I have always said, the most basic instinct. The most basic part of life and I wasn't able to do it. Through no fault of my own, at least not because I didn't try hard enough, or want it bad enough, etc. Intellectually I can say, it just wasn't in the cards. And at least I was pregnant and I did give birth. But the pain is still so deep and so real I just can't get past it sometimes. I mean, WHY ME! Why wasn't I able to have a baby just like everyone else?
Kelly said that hearing news about people being pregnant just brings up the grief again. Not just the grief of losing Michael and Scotty, but the grief of losing all our potential children. To be able to adopt Jenna mentally, I did grieve for all the kids we will never have. At least I thought I did. Unless you adopt, I don't think you ever know what that is like. Having to give up your idea of what your future will be to have this alternate future. It's not a bad future, just a different one. But when people throw things in your face, sometimes it all comes back at you. I guess it was one of those days. Then to have Kelly so far away on days like this.... It just makes me feel so alone.

School's back in session

Tomorrow will be my first day back at work, although I have been attending meetings for the past 2 days. I am not really looking forward to it, but it will make the days go by a little quicker.

Jenna went to her babysitters for the past 2 days and she loves it there. So, at least she has been coming home in a good mood. I hope it lasts.

My school year is looking good. I have only 7 students this year, last year I had 11 so it will be nice to have a "small class." Of course, all of my students are very involved, so 7 students are still enough to warrant 2 aides in my class and I am getting my same 2 back this year!! Yeah, they are awesome. Very sweet and very hard workers.

There is a new teacher across the hall and I don't know if we will get along too well. She is a new teacher, young and very idealistic. (Was I ever that green?) Anyways, we shall see how it goes. I think I will just stick in my classroom and keep my nose down.

Of course, it is still very tough to be without Kelly. Add to that the fact that I start college classes in 1 week and that makes it even tougher. I really don't know how I am going to do it. Most days I am so exhausted already and now to add even more work on top of things.

Of course, things will get done, they always do. My strong sense of responsibility makes sure of that, but the stress has really been getting to me. I guess I should relax more, but I just can't find the time for that :-)

Sometimes, people look at me while I am out working in the crazy heat, or when I am totally exhausted, but still working and it shows. They will say, "Just don't worry about it, let it go." My answer is always the same, "If I don't do it, who will?" Someday maybe I will lose this weight of the world on my shoulders, but not yet.

And so, onward and upward. I am going to try to keep this blog going again, but if I stop it is only because I am exhausted and overworked! Feel free to come over any time and play with Jenna so I can do something, anything! :-)

Sad news!

I got some sad news this weekend. Two very close friends recently lost babies through miscarriage. Both asked me not to say anything, but I know they were both devastated. It always brings me back to our troubles. It makes me tear up just thinking about it. I can't understand why all this happens, and I guess we never will. I just wish I had something profound to say that would help people feel better in this situation. But of course, I don't. No one does, really.
The pain does lessen with time. Someone once said, it doesn't get easier, you just get used to being without them. I think that is correct. If I stop to think about Michael and Scotty, I cry! If I think about the pain and heartbreak of all the people I know who have suffered the loss of a child, I just can't stand it. But, as life moves forward, I don't cry as much. Jenna has brought such joy to our lives, such happiness. She has helped me to get back in life and live.
I know my friends will move past all this sadness. Even without brilliant words from me. I just wish they didn't have to.

Another day!

Another day is over and we did okay. We ended up going garage sale-ing with Grandma and Grandpa Taylor next door. Of course, the only one who ended up with things was Jenna. She got about 7 outfits, a winter coat, a monkey and 2 hats out of the trip. Of course, she was happy. She is all girl! She came home and wanted to try on all her clothes. Of course, she can't dress herself too well yet, but she does try. By the time we got home, she was wiped out and she went right down for her nap. I have been trying to relax a bit when she naps on the weekend, but it is tough. I am such a busy bee, that I often end up diong things that just go quicker if I do them when Jenna is sleeping. Then I get upset because I never have time to read, or do anything fun that I want to do. That being said, I of course, cooked dinner while Jenna slept. Leaving no time to myself. I don't mind most days, but sometimes it does get old having to always be on her schedule. I have a lot of sympathy for single moms nowadays. I at least do have the emotional support of my hubby. Even if I don't get the "him being here" kind of support.
The afternoon was spent with the neighbors. We visited with the Webb family a little bit while they put in a new window in their kitchen. Every time Keith would hit the hammer Jenna would say "thunder?" It was cute. We also saw Rosi across the street for just a few minutes while she came over and planted a few purple tomato plants in our garden! Then we headed to Papaw Shadle's Swap Meet at Dinky's. It was mostly over by the time we got there, but Jenna had a good time anyways. She ate popcorn for the first time and rode on a jet ski. Of course, it never left the trailer, but she thought it was cool anyways.
The evening was spent at home. I had planned to make homemade pizza, but I didn't get a chance to make the dough, so we had the casserole that I made during lunch time. Nothing much, just a noodle and ground beef thing. Jenna liked it, so that was good. Then a late afternoon nap and a late night with Jenna going to bed around 10 PM!! The latest she has been in bed in a long time.
Not sure what the plans are for tomorrow, probably nothing special. I need to get to the grocery store, but I hate going on Sundays. I think we will shoot for Monday or Tuesday instead. Have a good night everyone!

Ooops!

Okay, Jenna and I fell out of sight for a bit, but we are back.
School is almost over, only 11 days left. The garden is planted and we are waiting for all the crops to start popping. Summer is almost here and I can't wait!

This year has been a tough one. I had a very difficult group of children in my classroom. We didn't see much progress with any of them, but I think it is par for the course. It's just what you get when you deal with the most seriously disabled students in the county. That being said, I am graduating 2 students and not getting any as far as we know, so that will help for next year. I have already started planning our projects, etc.

Of course, add to that the fact that Kelly has been gone for almost a year and it makes for a tough time. But, all in all, we are pulling through it. Jenna is growing every day and I can see so many things that she does better and better. Today she pointed out cows, horses, boats and birds as we drove down the road. It was adorable.

Anyways, I am going to try and post a little more often including some pictures. I really need to do it for me. Just a way for me to feel as though I am connected. Hope all of you out there are doing welll. recent pics of Jenna to come soon.

The Toy Box Overfloweth!

Christmas this year was so much fun. Jenna actually got the hang of opening presents, after about 100 or so that she received from friends and family, :-) Well, it seemed like that many. She received gifts in Indiana before we left for Ohio, then again on Christmas Eve, more gifts on Christmas Day, then again on the 29th when we returned home. And finally her last gifts were opened on New Year's Eve, which was when Kelly and I celebrated Christmas with WaPa. It was great. In fact, she received so many gifts that Kelly and I held some back from us so she will have new toys to play with in a few months. We didn't want her too overwhelmed since she just got toys for her birthday, too. Many thanks to all who blessed us with their warm wishes, visits and of course, gifts. It was a wonderful feeling to see so many people once again surround us with their love.
As I am sure you all know, Kelly was able to come home for Christmas. He was always planning on coming home, but at the last minute we weren't sure if he would make it. (there were issues with his duty). But, he did make it home to Indiana as well as home with me to Ohio where we even had some snow. That was the best Christmas gift of all. Kelly, not that snow.
Jenna recognized him right away and went to him willingly immediately this time. I am sure he loved that. She also said, "Dada" lots this time and really seemed to know what that meant. Kelly also helped me out A LOT!! He not only did all of his chores while he was home (I always have to list for him since he is gone so much) but he also jumped in and took Jenna from me several times to give me some time to visit with family, or just read my book. That is one of the many things that are difficult when he is gone so much, then back for such a short time. He knows I CAN do it myself, and I am so used to doing it myself, that it becomes almost a chore for both of us to let the other person help out. Afterall, he doesn't know our routine, so I almost have to give him a step by step before he can do anything. (Her clothes are in this drawer, the bottles are kept here now, etc) And if any of you know me, you know that I am a little particular so I like things done a specific way. (I know hard to believe). Anyways, I wanted to give Kelly public praise for just taking charge and stepping in and helping without being asked. He sat and fed her at my step mother's house so I could eat. He walked her up and down the halls at my dad's nursing home, so I could visit. He chased her all around my mom's house to give me as much of a break as he could. He even took Jenna for a car ride (of course, to Starbucks) when she needed a nap. It was well appreciated.
Kelly and I did get one afternoon together before he left. Jenna went to the sitter for the day on the 31st. We took that opportunity to head into town for a small lunch together. Nothing fancy, but we did have a few minutes to talk without worrying about Jenna. I know many of you offered to watch her in the evenings for us, but it is always hard to decide if we should go to dinner, or if Kelly should spend the time with Jenna. He always opts for the latter, and I can't blame him. So, thanks for the offers. It is appreciated. We WILL take you up on it some day.
Now, the long haul. Kelly won't be back until Spring break which is the end of March. I don't even want to think about how long that is. I know Jenna and I will both miss him. She has already walked around the house several times calling for him. How do you explain it to her? Of course, you don't. At least he is stateside.

Hope you all had a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!