Week 2

School is back in session and although my class is small we keep busy. I have only 7 students this year, down from 11 last year. But, I lost one assistant so that does make a difference.
The hardest part of this school year seems to be the same as always. I found out yesterday that the teacher I will be working with is now pregnant. She is only a few weeks pregnant. Why she told me is beyond my comprehension, but it was tough for me to hear it.
You would think that having Jenna and being so busy being her mom would make it all okay. But, it hasn't. Don't get me wrong, I love Jenna and I love being her mom! She is so special to me and I can't imagine my life without her. But hearing once again that someone is pregnant, well it puts me in a really difficult state of mind. I still feel like such a failure that I never could have a baby. I have always said, the most basic instinct. The most basic part of life and I wasn't able to do it. Through no fault of my own, at least not because I didn't try hard enough, or want it bad enough, etc. Intellectually I can say, it just wasn't in the cards. And at least I was pregnant and I did give birth. But the pain is still so deep and so real I just can't get past it sometimes. I mean, WHY ME! Why wasn't I able to have a baby just like everyone else?
Kelly said that hearing news about people being pregnant just brings up the grief again. Not just the grief of losing Michael and Scotty, but the grief of losing all our potential children. To be able to adopt Jenna mentally, I did grieve for all the kids we will never have. At least I thought I did. Unless you adopt, I don't think you ever know what that is like. Having to give up your idea of what your future will be to have this alternate future. It's not a bad future, just a different one. But when people throw things in your face, sometimes it all comes back at you. I guess it was one of those days. Then to have Kelly so far away on days like this.... It just makes me feel so alone.