Week 2

School is back in session and although my class is small we keep busy. I have only 7 students this year, down from 11 last year. But, I lost one assistant so that does make a difference.
The hardest part of this school year seems to be the same as always. I found out yesterday that the teacher I will be working with is now pregnant. She is only a few weeks pregnant. Why she told me is beyond my comprehension, but it was tough for me to hear it.
You would think that having Jenna and being so busy being her mom would make it all okay. But, it hasn't. Don't get me wrong, I love Jenna and I love being her mom! She is so special to me and I can't imagine my life without her. But hearing once again that someone is pregnant, well it puts me in a really difficult state of mind. I still feel like such a failure that I never could have a baby. I have always said, the most basic instinct. The most basic part of life and I wasn't able to do it. Through no fault of my own, at least not because I didn't try hard enough, or want it bad enough, etc. Intellectually I can say, it just wasn't in the cards. And at least I was pregnant and I did give birth. But the pain is still so deep and so real I just can't get past it sometimes. I mean, WHY ME! Why wasn't I able to have a baby just like everyone else?
Kelly said that hearing news about people being pregnant just brings up the grief again. Not just the grief of losing Michael and Scotty, but the grief of losing all our potential children. To be able to adopt Jenna mentally, I did grieve for all the kids we will never have. At least I thought I did. Unless you adopt, I don't think you ever know what that is like. Having to give up your idea of what your future will be to have this alternate future. It's not a bad future, just a different one. But when people throw things in your face, sometimes it all comes back at you. I guess it was one of those days. Then to have Kelly so far away on days like this.... It just makes me feel so alone.

School's back in session

Tomorrow will be my first day back at work, although I have been attending meetings for the past 2 days. I am not really looking forward to it, but it will make the days go by a little quicker.

Jenna went to her babysitters for the past 2 days and she loves it there. So, at least she has been coming home in a good mood. I hope it lasts.

My school year is looking good. I have only 7 students this year, last year I had 11 so it will be nice to have a "small class." Of course, all of my students are very involved, so 7 students are still enough to warrant 2 aides in my class and I am getting my same 2 back this year!! Yeah, they are awesome. Very sweet and very hard workers.

There is a new teacher across the hall and I don't know if we will get along too well. She is a new teacher, young and very idealistic. (Was I ever that green?) Anyways, we shall see how it goes. I think I will just stick in my classroom and keep my nose down.

Of course, it is still very tough to be without Kelly. Add to that the fact that I start college classes in 1 week and that makes it even tougher. I really don't know how I am going to do it. Most days I am so exhausted already and now to add even more work on top of things.

Of course, things will get done, they always do. My strong sense of responsibility makes sure of that, but the stress has really been getting to me. I guess I should relax more, but I just can't find the time for that :-)

Sometimes, people look at me while I am out working in the crazy heat, or when I am totally exhausted, but still working and it shows. They will say, "Just don't worry about it, let it go." My answer is always the same, "If I don't do it, who will?" Someday maybe I will lose this weight of the world on my shoulders, but not yet.

And so, onward and upward. I am going to try to keep this blog going again, but if I stop it is only because I am exhausted and overworked! Feel free to come over any time and play with Jenna so I can do something, anything! :-)