May 6th

Well, today is finally coming to a close. This year Kelly and I actually did okay with the day. I played hooky from work, but went ahead and took Jenna to the sitter because I just didn't know how I would do. It rained most of the day and of course, I was planning on working in the garden. But, since the rain was pretty soft, I went ahead and did some stuff anyways. I needed to get some plants in that were overgrowing their pots so I planted those. (cucumbers, tomatoes, cantalope, and 4 kinds of squash). It's really filling up over there. I also repotted several things in the greenhouse, trimmed some plants outside, and pulled some weeds. That physical labor was nice and relaxing.
In the afternoon, we decided to go to Washington and run some errands. So, I wandered Wal-mart and picked up dog food and things like that. We did get some time to have a nice somewhat leisurely meal before we picked up the Bean at the sitter. She was in a good mood most of the night and that really helped. I sat and played with her for most of the evening before her bedtime at 8.

It's hard. I miss Michael and Scotty every day, but I also know we wouldn't have Jenna if they had lived. People say, "God knew what he was doing" and things like that, but I just will never be able to believe that God wanted my babies dead for any reason. I don't think our God is that cruel. Personally, I think that free will and just general chaos in the world caused the death of my boys. I like to picture Jesus crying and asking his father "why?" when they died. God crying and wishing that it didn't have to happen to us, but unable to stop it because that is what happens when he gave humans free will. God putting his arms around Kelly and I saying that he wishes he could take this away from us. That to me is more of how I picture my God. A God that is all knowing, but not all controlling. I thank him everyday for the life I live. I know that feeling tremendous heartache is the only way you can learn tremendous love.
And so, on to another day.